One of the most common lines of questioning that comes up anytime I discuss my ideas about sacred romance with someone revolves around the idea of self-love, and particularly, how the path of the Lover might lead a wayfarer on it to reach a state of loving themselves.
I admit that this was something I was not terribly concerned with at first, and perhaps short-shrifted in the process. It was work I had largely completed for myself over many exhausting years, and I was much more curious now about the applications of sacred romance to the world around me, and my movements within it.
Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.
~~Lucille Ball
I also admit to having had some impatience with the idea of contemplating ways to achieve self-love, because it has become a pet peeve of mine that so much of modern spirituality seems to be mired in unbelievable narcissism, so focused on discovering one’s inner child or wild woman or whatever the current trendy archetype is, spending thousands of dollars on expensive retreats and fancy props for the sole purpose of cultivating a hip, worldly sort of spiritual virility while still sneering at the homeless guy on the street or driving away from the scene of an accident. (It’s not the spending of money, the desire for retreat, or the toys themselves I object to– they can be as meaningful as anything else. It’s the yuppified sense that spirituality can be bought as simply as a house, a good education, or a collection of wine that sets my teeth on edge.)
But I had a humbling moment when re-reading a favorite Sufi text and seeing a phrase that I’d only passingly noticed before, but that jumped out at me now: polishing the mirror of the heart. Volumes have been written about it, so in my crib notes way I’ll describe it in simple terms as the process that every Sufi– that every seeker, really– goes through after the moment of awakening to a sense of a greater reality than that previously perceived, but before it is possible to truly work in the world on a deeply spiritual level, to personify the light of the divine that ensouls each of us. It is a process of intense self-work, shedding fears and false limitations, hate and unhealthy attachments and yes, self-loathing as well.
Dear friend, our heart is a polished mirror.
You must wipe it clean of the veil of dust
that has gathered upon it, because it is destined
to reflect the light of divine secrets.
-al-Ghazzali
Looked at from that perspective, I realize that I still have my fair share of “polishing” to do– I may feel very strong in myself these days, fond of my own company and cherishing the form and the life I took in this incarnation, but I am hardly free from petty malice or bias or hatred or fretting over things to do with the material world.
But more importantly, these Sufi teachers whose words reach me on the winds of time remind me gently that this is work for anyone who would go beneath the surface of the world in search of truth, beauty, freedom, and love. A first step, yes, a place to start– but never completely done, just as a mirror must always be cleaned from time to time.
The problem I’ve had with most modern spirituality movements, I think, is not the emphasis on healing one’s self or bettering one’s life, but the way that so many of them seem not to go any further than that. And taking a gentler view of it, most of these movements have also been pioneers, exploring beyond rigid hierarchical structures, finding a place for the spirituality of women, of the full range of sexuality and gender, of equality and nature. Being taught at all to appreciate one’s self on a spiritual level, to develop one’s potential and seek happiness and fulfillment, is really a little bit radical, and it has needed its time and its teachers. Most established religions lay down rules and decrees for one’s personal life and behavior, but don’t necessarily teach why, and they certainly don’t teach them as a way to be complete within one’s self. The whole of the community is of so much greater importance than any of its parts, that the people who are those parts are somewhat overlooked.
Perhaps part of the shift we’re experiencing in the world is that we’re ready for a new kind of sacred marriage, the union of a spirituality that teaches self-love and personal fulfillment with a spirituality of true community and world citizenship in which we realize that our personal happiness must at some point be put in service to the greater whole if it is to grow beyond the limits of our comparatively small self.
And from that perspective, yes, you really do have to love yourself first to get anything done in the world.
But that still begs the question, how do you do it? How is this elusive and wonderful state attained?
I can only speak from my own experience and observations. From that, I can attest that it is difficult work, perhaps the hardest thing you will ever have to do, all the more so because it’s the first step any of us takes on the path to spiritual fulfillment. And it is a life’s work. You can get to a “maintenance” stage from time to time, but you’re never really done. It’s the descent of Inanna, stripping away everything from yourself every step of the way, even your very skin, and hanging in pain to look your deepest truths in the face.
But it is also joyful, hopeful work. It is also the relief of compassion, clarity of thought, deepening of wisdom, discovering wellsprings of energy and love you never would have thought you had. And ultimately, it is one of the best and most important things you can do in this life.
How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.
~~Rainer Maria Rilke
Do you remember the movie The Neverending Story? It was always one of my favorites, and to me one of the most arresting moments is when the young warrior Atreyu must meet the challenge to look in the mirror and come face to face with his true self. He accepts it, and finds himself looking into the face of shy, persecuted, pudgy Balthazar Bastian Bux.
This is part of the work of self-love– the willingness to see, with clarity and honesty, the harder truths about oneself, to have thought of oneself as a bold warrior and to see the frightened child for who he is.
But the other part of it is that Bastian sees Atreyu.
It can be, sometimes, just as hard or even harder to accept the truth that you are something greater within than you ever thought possible. It’s almost easier, perversely, to believe that you are nothing, worthless, unloved, and most especially unnoticed. It doesn’t matter then what you do or where you go or whether you ever accomplish anything because, who cares? It means dwelling in fear, yes, but within the bounds of a small and familiar world with risk and uncertainty as carefully controlled as possible.
A limited life, stunted and withered. Not free of risk or challenge, shame or failure or defeat or sorrow, but with the illusion that these hounds have been kept at bay by not venturing outside of the circle of fear.
[Ed. note: Due to the need to prepare for the celebration of Ganesh Chaturthi, this is going to be part 1 of 2. I'll leave you to chew on this much while I go make Dudeman some curry and other treats. Om Gum Ganapatiye Namaha! and may the blessings of Lord Ganesha shower upon your life throughout the year.]
